For all intents and purposes, I have a great job. Great benefits. Great pay. (All of this in comparison to where I was straight out of college. It could definitely be better.)
The people are nice. Enough. The work is challenging. Enough.
What makes the routine of waking up at 5-6 AM and not getting home until 6-7 PM, of passing documents around in countless emails, of writing post-it reminders for every detail to look for in documents, receipts, and invoices, not great is… just that. The routine.
I’m not a morning person or a night owl. My emotional cycles don’t even follow my menstrual cycles. My creative bursts coincide with nothing in particular. I’m all over the place mentally and forcing my attention into a box like this job can be quite insufferable.
I know, I know. First world problems.
But its the thing that’s keeping me from true happiness, or contentment, or freedom. My brain doesn’t do well with chasing little details around. Or waking up at routine times. For some reason, I just can’t deal with it. I don’t know why. I can’t pinpoint what childhood trauma or personality trait made me this way, but its how I am.
Becoming a full-time author would be amazing, but I wonder if I’ll have the same issues once I get there. Hating routine. Shrugging small details. Will I even wake up in the mornings?
I want to like routine. It seems like the easier of the two sides to be on. You set it up and play it out. Simple. And I can set up routines ALL DAY LONG. I’m a master of to-do lists and priority lists and all of that jazzety jazz. But I can’t follow them…
I’ve been looking into tools and strategies to get myself into a routine. Tricks for the brain. Rewards or consequences. Nothing truly seems to stick (though I know I also avoid things that will interfere with sleep which most of my routines tend to do).
Most recently I’ve been trying out Mel Robbins’s 5 Second Rule. Now, this thing works great for my anxiety attacks. I’m definitely a circular worrier. But as far as getting me out of bed, sitting my butt in a chair to write, finishing my chores first thing in the morning… it’s not quite there.
So, what’s the block? Am I literally just lazy? Do I not have the work ethic most of my co-workers believe I have? Or am I avoiding these necessary steps for a reason?
I know I’m never going to “feel like it,” as Mel says in her TED talk. Motivation has to come from within and it doesn’t feel good. I know all of this. But I really want to be a full-time author. I want to have an organized home. I want to eat better. I want to exercise every day. Why can’t I bring myself to do these things?
Kinda goes back to why I hate routines. Especially because I’m stuck in a terrible one.
Habits are routines. Autopilot routines. Not thinking, drone-like, zombie activities.
Wake up too late because you hit snooze twelve times. Get to work with frizzy hair and shoes with a hole in the toe. Complain about work over messenger, but still getting work done instead of creative endeavors. Sit through traffic or bike home. Sit with the lovey for a bit, eat, sleep. That’s it. That’s my life.
I hate it. So much. Yet I play it out almost every day.
How can I escape it if the 5 Second Rule isn’t helping?
Still working on it, but my next attempt is going to include mantras, no cell phone in the bedroom, and linking the habits I want with rewards. I got all of this from Mel too. On a Robbins kick I guess, ha.
I really just want something to work. But I have to practice putting my intentions into every action. Making decisions instead of just acting out the play of my boring life.
That’s the plan for now. I’ll let you know how I fail, ha.
Hope everyone is having a great morning, afternoon, evening, and/or night!