Why I Hate My Job

For all intents and purposes, I have a great job. Great benefits. Great pay. (All of this in comparison to where I was straight out of college. It could definitely be better.)

The people are nice. Enough. The work is challenging. Enough.

What makes the routine of waking up at 5-6 AM and not getting home until 6-7 PM, of passing documents around in countless emails, of writing post-it reminders for every detail to look for in documents, receipts, and invoices, not great is… just that. The routine.

I’m not a morning person or a night owl. My emotional cycles don’t even follow my menstrual cycles. My creative bursts coincide with nothing in particular. I’m all over the place mentally and forcing my attention into a box like this job can be quite insufferable.

I know, I know. First world problems.

But its the thing that’s keeping me from true happiness, or contentment, or freedom. My brain doesn’t do well with chasing little details around. Or waking up at routine times. For some reason, I just can’t deal with it. I don’t know why. I can’t pinpoint what childhood trauma or personality trait made me this way, but its how I am.

Becoming a full-time author would be amazing, but I wonder if I’ll have the same issues once I get there. Hating routine. Shrugging small details. Will I even wake up in the mornings?

I want to like routine. It seems like the easier of the two sides to be on. You set it up and play it out. Simple. And I can set up routines ALL DAY LONG. I’m a master of to-do lists and priority lists and all of that jazzety jazz. But I can’t follow them…

I’ve been looking into tools and strategies to get myself into a routine. Tricks for the brain. Rewards or consequences. Nothing truly seems to stick (though I know I also avoid things that will interfere with sleep which most of my routines tend to do).

Most recently I’ve been trying out Mel Robbins’s 5 Second Rule. Now, this thing works great for my anxiety attacks. I’m definitely a circular worrier. But as far as getting me out of bed, sitting my butt in a chair to write, finishing my chores first thing in the morning… it’s not quite there.

So, what’s the block? Am I literally just lazy? Do I not have the work ethic most of my co-workers believe I have? Or am I avoiding these necessary steps for a reason?

I know I’m never going to “feel like it,” as Mel says in her TED talk. Motivation has to come from within and it doesn’t feel good. I know all of this. But I really want to be a full-time author. I want to have an organized home. I want to eat better. I want to exercise every day. Why can’t I bring myself to do these things?

Kinda goes back to why I hate routines. Especially because I’m stuck in a terrible one.

Habits are routines. Autopilot routines. Not thinking, drone-like, zombie activities.

Wake up too late because you hit snooze twelve times. Get to work with frizzy hair and shoes with a hole in the toe. Complain about work over messenger, but still getting work done instead of creative endeavors. Sit through traffic or bike home. Sit with the lovey for a bit, eat, sleep. That’s it. That’s my life.

I hate it. So much. Yet I play it out almost every day.

How can I escape it if the 5 Second Rule isn’t helping?

Still working on it, but my next attempt is going to include mantras, no cell phone in the bedroom, and linking the habits I want with rewards. I got all of this from Mel too. On a Robbins kick I guess, ha.

I really just want something to work. But I have to practice putting my intentions into every action. Making decisions instead of just acting out the play of my boring life.

That’s the plan for now. I’ll let you know how I fail, ha.

Hope everyone is having a great morning, afternoon, evening, and/or night!

2 Replies to “Why I Hate My Job”

  1. Wander says:

    I definitely know how you feel about trying to break out of old routines. I have a few things that worked for me that might help.

    Waking up – Set the alarm volume to max and out your alarm clock/phone on the opposite side of the room as far away as possible from you. Make sure it’s far enough away that you have to get up out of bed and take a few steps to turn it off. I did this while I was in university and found that it helped me not hit snooze if I was already on my feet. Also the volume made me super sensitive to my alarm as it made me paranoid about waking up my flatmates so it got to the point where I was across the room with the phone in my hand before I was even fully awake.

    I also find for staying awake and being productive, it helps to lay your clothes out the day before and get dressed straight away including socks and shoes. This is especially true on the weekend as I personally get very little done if I lounge around in my pyjamas all day. I have never gone back to sleep after putting on my shoes whereas I find even clothed you sometimes end up slipping back under the covers because it’s cold.

    For writing, a change of environment may help. I tend to write and journal in coffee shops. Ordering a pumpkin spice latte and settling down to write in a cosy armchair at a café makes the writing feel like a treat instead of a chore. You could also do this at home by reserving a certain space for writing only and pairing it with a drink or snack that you only have when writing. You can also download apps that you can use to block certain programs for a certain amount of time to help with distractions at home.

    I prefer coffee shops to writing at home because the internet connection is normally weak and it means I can’t sit for an hour watching YouTube instead. I also find it great for research as you can people watch and hear snippets of someone else’s conversations and different cafes (eg. starbucks vs. a café in a museum) attract different kinds of people. I’ll jot down descriptions of people who look interesting/distinctive or funny things people have said or topics they mentioned to research later.

    Good luck with your writing and getting yourself into a better routine. You can do it! 🙂

    • E. K. Ronnie says:

      Thanks Wander 🙂 Always helps to hear what works for someone else. I’m terrible at comparing myself to others, but I also know I need encouragement from other’s successes as well. I’m trying the alarm thing… Still getting iffy results, but that’s more me than the alarm, ha.

What do you think? Let me know ;)