I’m noticing it again today. That itch. That burrowing bug.
Impatience. Worming its way through my brain, down my bare back neck and spine. A cold, slimy thing. I’m rigid in my office chair, fingers tapping, knee bobbing.
I want to escape, to leave and create.
Plans swirl in my mind, dozens of projects vying for my attention.
I have to get rid of this energy somehow.
The pen in my hand writes down the words “To Do” on a rectangular notepad.
The cycle has begun.
What I’m seeing this week is how impatience took over my mind for the past few years.
Stuck at a desk or in a sucky job all day, unable to work on the things I actually want to work on, I become very frustrated. I’m getting my day-job work done, but only because I need something to do. I work swift as thunderstorm winds. All tasks finished within the first hour of the day.
But I can’t work on my design ideas for my five YouTube channels. (You heard me). I can’t sit and record content. I can’t edit manuscripts while waiting for the phone to ring or my boss to pop over my desk with another five-second assignment.
There are so many things I’d rather be doing than sitting at a desk, thumbs literally twiddling (sometimes, seriously, that’s how bad it gets), waiting like some horse in a stable. They only give me things to do when I’m needed and I can’t predict the patterns.
When I do risk it and try to work on a project — writing a blog post for example — I’m interrupted immediately. The universe doesn’t like me diverting my focus from my day-job, apparently.
But…I’m literally just sitting here half the time.
My creative juices build up, a boiling mass needing release.
[enter TO DO list stage left]
With a list, I can pretend I’m getting projects done. I can find all the details and put them in organized lists. I can label things until they don’t make sense anymore. I can map out my days for the optimal output (always making sure to block out the nine hours of the day-job where NO CREATIVE WORK WILL BE COMPLETED). Calendars spread over my desk. My notepads and notebooks overflow with lists, ideas, details, blobs of text that are supposed to motivate me to create at the end of the day when I’m supposed to be cleaning (or making dinner, or working out, or sleeping).
But I’m not motivated by lists. I’m not motivated by restricting calendars. In fact, I think I do less work with them around. In college, I didn’t use a planner really. I got assignments done last minute, but they were DONE. And not bad either.
I wrote a lot more in college too. My own projects, fanfictions with friends, role-playing games online. I was writing during most of my free time.
Because I had that emotional connection to it.
I don’t have an emotional connection to my day-job. Don’t get me wrong, this workplace is way better than my last one. My last job had me in tears almost every day it was so frustrating and disgusting and panic attack inducing. But just because people are nice here and actually know how a company should function (set schedules, annual raises, actual lunch times) doesn’t mean I have to like working here.
I feel guilty feeling that way. These people ARE super nice and helpful and encouraging. And the company is working toward a greater good rather than slumming along and getting paid like my last job.
But I hate it here. It’s not for me. I need to escape.
I need to stop being forced into planners and to-do lists. They don’t help me. My impatience uses them as a temporary outlet, engaging my left side brain way too much.
Okay, rant concluded I think.