It’s that time, ladies and lads. The down cycle. The emotional fall.
I’m still trying to figure out if these down cycles are triggered or just natural. It seems to be both. Which, if that’s true, not cool dude. Have to track days and triggers? Aish…
I think this one was triggered, only because I’ve been feeling pretty well this week. I haven’t been terribly productive fiction-wise, but I’ve vlogged twice and blogged a few times here and once on my author blog. So that’s positive.
There have been some things happening in my personal life that aren’t directly involving me, but are resting in my gut like sandbags I can’t get rid of. Emotional stuff, stressful stuff.
Plus, I’ve started working out again so my physical fatigue has shot up.
But I was still doing okay.
Then it all hit this morning like a cymbal crash – loud, unexpected, shaking.
My plan was to write in my draft today, to get ahead on creative work. Not sure that’s going to happen. Every time I force work while I’m in this initial down state, I end up panicking, thinking that I’m not working fast enough, good enough, creatively enough.
I’m going to stay away from to-do lists. It’s so very tempting. My Extraverted Thinking wants to take over and fix everything, but this can’t be fixed with lists. I just need to process. Deal.
I wish I could be more specific about the topics in my mind. There’s several different things floating around like a black cloud up there, hitting each other and striking lightning down my spine.
I’m stuck at work, so I need to find something to distract me, but that’ll be difficult. Not much work to do today.
I just know I had this urge to run away again.
I get it from time to time. Growing up, I moved around a lot. Navy brat, that whole thing. We moved between every 9 months to 3 years. I never “settled down” with friends or a culture. I don’t really know how to function with the same people over a long period of time.
Shallow relationships. No roots. No solid place to stand.
That’s what it feels like anyway.
I’ve lived in Colorado now for nearly seven years. I’ve hopped jobs almost every year. Hopped apartments every year. It was like a mini version of my childhood, but central to the city. I remember street names now, different locations based on sight. I’ve been with the same guy for almost that long too.
I haven’t kept up with friends though, I’ve never been good at that.
And the up and down cycles seem to have gotten worse, higher peaks, lower valleys.
I think moving around so often stunted something inside me. Some sort of connection skill. I’ve never had school spirit or even that much pride in my country. I’m drawn to Slytherin partly because of their brotherhood mentality, something I’ve experienced with my sisters, but don’t have any longer since we’ve moved apart.
Things are simply getting hard.
And what usually happens, outside of my control, is I move away. That was the solution to all my problems growing up. No need to keep in touch, or create deep relationships. There was no point.
And now that I’ve been here so long, I have that urge to flee. Erase everything. New slate. I think it started even before I realized it with this blog and the associated youtube channel. It was an opportunity to start over, try a new personality angle.
I want to run away because I don’t want to face myself either.
I’ve been realizing things about my development and mind and how broken it is. I’ve looked into therapy, but can’t bring myself to spend the money on it. The easy solution is to start over somewhere else, change my name, stick with the small talk and being the novelty new kid again. And when that wears off, leave.
I guess I’ve never learned how to deal with myself. In the long term.
That’s where I’m at right now. Down cycle. Runaway mode.
I’m not going to run away. I am happy in general in my life.
But sometimes, that urge just takes over and blackens my thoughts.
It’s not going to be a productive day. But I have to face it.
Til next time,